TMD_GUILT_EVALUATION

看完Nothing to Envy，最使我震惊的，倒不是这国家的极度贫匮与思想控制，而是那紧紧抓钩在大脑神经上的的痛苦，而那极度痛苦又竟能持续那么久。

It's almost like they were bound to endure, because they were born to endure.

The escapees not only endured on that land of barren, but they also brought that agony along wherever they go. The word that kept coming up in their confessions were: anger, and guilt.

Those people just couldn't forgive themselves for abandoning their parents, siblings or children. Somehow they were forced into making the choice between "starved to death cuddling together" and "risking dying for the hope of living". Either way, their choice left them drowning in nightmare - they knew they were treading on the corpse of their loved ones. And after so many years, none of them appeared to have awaken to a tomorrow without looming shadows.

One girl yelled at her mother after she was caught and bribed out of prison, "how could you give birth to me, knowing what it is like to live in this country?"

What they didn't know was that they were born into this. They were born into a trap of "guilt", and emotionally bound to the trap forever. Even they're no longer there, their mind forever lingers on their sin.

I remember seeing somewhere that every single human being suffer from self guilt. 更勿论尼采反反复复强调，他最痛恨的就是愧疚感。最让人痛苦的就是愧疚。大概是因为人的“归因”需求，让他们觉得自己不再正直，而这让他们开始质疑自己的价值。

An Self-evaluation Schopenhauers Spruch, 一个人必须全力以赴地尝试领悟这个惊人的奥妙：生命的价值不可能被估定。不可能被一个活人估定，因为这样一个当事人甚至是争论的对象，而非裁判；也不能被一个死人估定，因为某种更加显而易见的原因。

要说估定价值这件事，就好似PS调色板中的色谱位移：

把一段彩虹色的对比条置于“空间-时间”的历史圆柱体上方观察，不同时代的“活人”确能看出不同光彩的色泽来。然后呢，把那比色卡拿开，那玻璃台板下的四维时空，究竟该是什么颜色？

它没有。

那只不过是一股苍苍汩汩翻覆前行的流光星河。

拿掉有色目镜，它只不过是一条琥珀化的、清明透亮的，奇迹。

没有颜色，没有。